6th time was not a charm, lessons in perspective and what is "meant to be"

Growing up, watching the Hawaii Ironman, I like so many others had dreamed of doing this insane and obsurd test of human endurance(sanity). I always knew I was never going to be fast enough by the time I went blind, in order to qualify. I also knew (barring some miracle), that I would never get to the age where I would be able to qualify after compiling years of experience and fitness; my clock was ticking....and I was on a mission. I've always said that "I want to do an Ironman every year that I can, until I am not able to anymore (menaing my vision would not allow it).

In 2004 with family and friends witness, I managed my first and fastest Ironman at the USA Lake Placid event. In '05--pictured above---I did the 2nd one, the '06 at IM Canada (on my honeymoon), '07 back to Lake Placid for the third time, where I raced as the Ford Everyday Hero for my work as a Team Blazeman member. In later 2007, due to my Everyday Hero exposure, a 5 page article in Triathlon Canada (November 2007) and my overall story....I was granted an invite to the 2008 Ford Ironman World Championships in Hawaii. The WTC had granted me a wish, as i knew and expressed that 2008 would be my final year racing solo as a triathlete, and my ultimate goal was to race in Hawaii; my wish had come true. I finished Ironman Coeur D'Alene in Idaho in June, then off to Kona in October.

DON'T LET THE WIND BE THE THING THAT BEATS YOU----This is a quote I had always remembered (after watching a Hawaii Ironman telecast, and was my mantra for many years; out battling the wind here in the wide open Chatham-Kent area.

However as of 2008.....
HOW WOULD YOU FEEL KNOWINGLY DOING SOMETHING YOU LOVED, FOR THE LAST TIME?---- I oftne thought of this during my year of training, but I promised 2008 was it, and I had several reminders that my time was up. After a spectacular bike crash in July, which i walked away from unscaved, a few close calls, even more close calls, several bouts of anxiety just getting out the door to get the training in........ANOTHER even worse bike crash 5 weeks out from Kona where I hit a crack in the road doing 20 mph, skidded across the concrete, suffered pretty bad road rash and a very very shaken psyche.......I knew my days were done.

I always knew I was given a gift, the gift of Kona. Many people saw this as me "getting a free ride", as I didn't earn my way. I knew I didn't earn my way, but at the age of 28, I knew I would not get to 35, 45, 55, and have another shot to qualify. I knew this was my one and only chance to compete in the world's most famous Ironman, by myself.

I will spare the whole entire day of race details and sum it up fairly quickly if I can:
-I never felt I belonged there, despite family assuring me that I worked just as hard as anybody there
-I was suffering from a shaken psyche, doubt, a bad back (due to 2 bike crashes, or moving a freezer for my brother in law, or a combination of the two)
-Race morning was surrreal, simple for the fact that I had the strangest feeling that I was NOT going to make it that day. My wife sensed it, and later told me she felt it too....It was not a confidence thing, it was just the strangest feeling that "THIS IS NOT MEANT TO BE----NOT TODAY"

After finishing the swim with horrible back pain, I managed to struggle through the toughest Ironman bike ride I've ever had (not due to fitness, but due to heat, my bodies rebellion against food and liquid) and some bad luck with bike parts.
Trying to keep a positive outlook, I headed out for the run, just praying for a finish...

Mile 2---glass of water=vommiting 3 times
Mile 7---glass of gatorade, small bit of food=vommitting 3 times and dry heaving
Mile 10.5----tiny sip of ice water=equals 1 more vommitting fit, lots of dry heaving, and the realization that I was not going to make it.

Here is me at mile 10, worried wife in the back ground...I am with Brian Breen (finished 2006 Ironman as the first Team Blazeman member). He was there to guide me through the nighttime hours.

This was not my day....

"THIS GOES WAY BEYOND WILLPOWER"---is what I told Brian as i dryheaved on the side of the road at 10.5miles, with him and medics looking on.

I won't get all religious on you, but I am a firm believer that if things are meant to be, then they are meant to be.

I think life teaches you lessons, and you react to them in one of two ways....

1) You get angry, bitter, dismissive, hurt
2) You seek the underlying message you learned from that experience and help it fuel the fire for your next endeavor. You look for deeper meaning, you look for PERSPECTIVE.

Kona 2008 showed me that, you don't always get your fairytale ending...I didn't get my perfect race, on the perfect stage, to book end my solo career.

What I do get is the experience of being in Hawaii with the worlds best, the chance to be alive and try again.....and the chance to find my way back as a Paratriathlete (tandem triathlete) and finish the 16 miles that I was not able to experience that day.

"YOU CAN QUIT, AND NOBODY ELSE WILL CARE, BUT YOU WILL ALWAYS KNOW.." John Collins the founder of Ironman once stated; I believe this, I live by this. I have one DNF (did not finish) to my record. Sadly on the biggest day of my life (or is it?) I'm young, I've got plenty of life experiences ahead, and I could have plenty of Kona's ahead----you never know.

The biggest lesson I learned that day---after much thought and contemplation:
I always thought that quitting something would make me a horrible person, make me a hipocrit (my worst fear). Howver I realized, that if I gave it my all, did the best I could, ON THAT DAY....Than I was not a failure. I did not use excuses, I learned a lesson, I've gained more perspective, and I'm moving forward.